A day in my life

I wake up and i'm late. I get to college and someone is mad at me for been late. I missed something, a meeting, a test, an appointment, anything. Then someone comes to me: i've this or that to do, and now. I try to run to get it done, but don't have the enery to do so. it takes me ages to do whatever i had to. That person gets mad, and with reason. But i get mad right back. we fight.

Then i have a meeting. First I'm late, then I don't agree with what's been done, said or anything. I say it out loud, but everyone missunderstands me, or i express myself with irony and/or anger. People gets mad at me. I disappoint some people. I feel like crap. I run away. I'm shit in this, i should quit, i'm no help to anyone...

Then i remember i had other things to do, and i'm already late to do them. Sometimes I get them done, some other i just leave them to the next day. Anyways, i have work to do at home, so i better be back. I walk home and try to relax with music. It works for a while, till i open the door: mi mum is mad. Something happened, doesn't matter what. Or my dad is home and serious, like always. Anyways, i have to lock my feelings away, be a rock, and stand the atmosphere with a smile.

My mum yells, my dad leaves, my sisters make fun of me just to play, which really doesn't matter, except that i'm already tense and it's hard to keep my pacience at bay, since my mum can't stop exclaming about how unfair life is for her and how we are such crapy daughters. Then I snap. I yell at my mum, tired of her stupidity and victimary attitude. She obviously doesn't accept that her daughter, someone that's suppose to respect her, yells at her. She yells right back and tells me to shut up, it's none of my bussiness, i have no right to say anything to her and have to learn my place. I look at her with hate and hurt and go to my room, trying to run away of everything. But my sister is in it. Right, my computer is dead and i'm using hers, and it's in my room. Is obvious that she's here. I lock myself up again and wait till she leaves. Sometimes i try to talk and laugh with her. Sometimes she's in a bad mood too and snaps at me. I try no to respond, she's just as tired as i'm of our mum...

It's 11 pm and she leaves. Finally some loneliness. I log in and check my mails. Thousands of things to do. Answer that, read those, write that thing, you're late with that work, remember tomorrows meeting, keep up with that discussion...

Then a chat pops up. A friend that wants to know how I am doing, and obviously haven't seen in ages, since i have no time at all. I tell him or her, and they support me... but it's just so impersonal!

Sometimes I start a chat. i just wanna talk, tell someone about my problems, or forget about them. but the people that I trust isn't conected, or doesn't have time, or really, like before, whatever I'm saying doesn't make the right impression and I just don't feel conforted by the talk or the other person doesn't get exactly what i'm trying to say...

then i just don't have the will to write everything, so i cut the story shot or lie. everything is fine, i'm just tired...

Sometimes it's work. Remember this, do that, tell me how it went today... and obviously i failed in some things. And the person gets mad at me. and we fight.

Behind the screen, i cry. Why has everything have to be so difficult? why does he/she have to make it more difficult that it already is? why can't she undertand that i'm tired and don't have the energy to be nice? i just want everyone to leave me alone. I wanna quit everything, i wanna leave, run, jump off a cliff, whatever to get away of all of this.

It's 1-2-3 in the morning and i just can't keep my eyes open. Obviously i did nothing of what i was suppose to, but i give up, i can do it tomorrow. Or I simply won't do it, i'll ask someone else, or deliver it late. It doesn't matter, i'm tired.

I go to bed, and it's cold. It takes me a while to fall sleep... and then the alarm rings. i turn it off... and fall asleep again... for an hour or two. I'm late again. shit.

and everything begins all over again.

Every now and then someone gives me a call, talks to me without a care in the world, exchanges some words just for the fun of it, invites me over for a couple ours to have fun, and brights my day for a while, puts a smile on my face and makes me laugh like before... but those moments only take so long.

I just can't keep this up. I'm colapsing magnificently. I'm angry, sad, stressed, frustrated, crying all-the-fucking-time! I have more fights that I care to count, I'm loosing my focus, I can't work, my body feels heavy and tired all the time, and It's even worse if I keep inyecting it food 24/7.

I just lost it. Really, really did this time. I can't take the stress anymore, the tension around me all day, all the time, everywhere i go.

I can't, just can't. the worse thing is, I don't have anywhere else to go.

Right now, I can only cry and hope that this will all be over soon.

hopefully sooner.

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