Totems...

... in a dream

I once had a dream. It was college, and i was flying. Everything looked big, so I guessed I was small. I was flying inside my faculty, and heading to the casino, on the first floor. I flew to the back of the room, and I saw myself sitting with my friends. books and pens where lied out on a table, and we all looked concentrated. I flew to my shoulder.

then my point of view switched, and I was in my body again. I looked to the side and there was a red beetle on top of it. I smiled and told it to tell me what it had found out. it flew to my left ear and I listen to it very carefully, then looked at my friends, and told them everything.

I thanked the beetle, calling it Bree, and put it back on my left ear. Bree went up to the middle of my ear and it switched to a simple silver ear ring with a red fake stone in the center.

Then my friends started to ask questions. So I took a silver necklace that holds a silver pendant with an amethyst attached to the middle. I put it on my hand and called its name. A spider transformed from it. I whisper it to go look for the answers we needed, and it silently left. I looked at my friends with calm and contemp.

Time flashed forward and the spider came back. But instead of telling me what I wanted, it looked at my from the table. Then Bree switched and flew down to stand by the spider. A silver bracelet in my right wrist started to shine and switched to a silver snake and went to join the other two. I looked at my right hand again and there was a silver ring that switched to a butterfly that stayed there.

The beetle, the spider and the snake looked at me. They were angry. We argued and suddenly the snake bite me in the wrist, just the same place the bracelet used to be. I looked at then with hurt and asked them why they were mad, and why did it have to bite me?. – you know – I told the snake – that your bites draw out the energy, and the only reason I haven’t passed out it’s because of my ring -. They had the decency to look ashamed, and the spider came up my arm and made a spider web in my wrist, holding the energy in. I told the spider thanks and sighed. It would take a lot more work to fix that wound.

Then I sensed something. I felt it in the back of my neck and went trough my eyes… and eagle was flying over me, I just knew it. And it felt familiar, just like with the other four…

Then I woke up.

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I've tought a lot about that dream ever since. A beetle, a spider, a butterfly, a snake and an eagle.

I knew from the start that all meant parts of me:

The beetle is the Hear. My ability to listen to people, to relate and understand them, and so, to go beyond myself to hear what needs to be heard and understand what’s behind the words. It’s represented by the ear ring that I’ve had in my right ear for years. I even know it’s name: Bree.

The spider is the Protection. It worked both for me and others. It is both my need to protect myself from others, to keep my feelings, and to protect the people I love and care about. It’s represented by a pendant I have since a year and a half, which I got in a family vacation.

The butterfly is my Mind. It keeps my memories and thoughts, but not of this life only, but of all the others. It saves my self and memories. It’s represented by a ring my mom made for me a year ago or so.

The snake is… the vengeance? The anger? The cold mind? I don’t know how to classify it just yet. I only know that it represents the part of me that can hurt, the cold mind that works every weakness and uses it for its own benefit. The part that doesn’t stop to anything or anyone to get what it wants doesn’t matter the motives. The part that calculates every move and strikes with one single and precise move. The part I hide away so many years ago and am afraid to let go.
It’s represented by a silver bracelet, but I still haven’t found it.

The eagle is The Sight. The ability to look forward and know beyond what’s right there to meet the eye. It represents the part of me that can see and work all the angles, melting them in one big scenario. It’s also the ability of premonition, the one that’s been with me for years. I couldn’t see in the dream what’s represented from, but I sense it has something to do with my neck, my back and my eyes. Some friends think it’s the neckerchief I like to wear all the time, some think it’s a tattoo in the back of my neck, right in the upper part of my back. I don’t discard those, but I also thought it had something to do with my eyes, so I put a piercing in my left eyebrow, silver with two balls.

Talking to a friend, it came to us that choose of those animals was related to my Egyptian side. But the butterfly meant something more… it represents the whole of me, my self as one.

The five are my totems. Each one holds a part of me.

The dream… showed me which I still have to work on. The Hear is the most developed. I still need to get more in touch with both my Mind and Protection. The Sight… I know of it existence, but I still can’t get a hold on it, less control or know it in its deeps.

The one that worries me the most is the Snake, the one I can’t even classify. It’s a part I’ve kept locked down inside of me for so very long… I even fear its existence. I know what’s capable of, how much it can hurt, how unstable it is. Deep down I know that is not all wrong, caos and hurt, but it scares me.

The big thing is, the time to face the snake is already here. It’s already been release from its cell, and I just have to learn to control and integrate it to myself.

It’s what’s happening to me right now.

I gotta learn to integrate it and control it, otherwise, I'll just destroy everything...

Right now, all I know is that I'm gonna need some help.

• .•. δαγιαλ .•. • ∫

... † Παŋα Иσ Zγσμσμ .•.•‡ •

A day in my life

I wake up and i'm late. I get to college and someone is mad at me for been late. I missed something, a meeting, a test, an appointment, anything. Then someone comes to me: i've this or that to do, and now. I try to run to get it done, but don't have the enery to do so. it takes me ages to do whatever i had to. That person gets mad, and with reason. But i get mad right back. we fight.

Then i have a meeting. First I'm late, then I don't agree with what's been done, said or anything. I say it out loud, but everyone missunderstands me, or i express myself with irony and/or anger. People gets mad at me. I disappoint some people. I feel like crap. I run away. I'm shit in this, i should quit, i'm no help to anyone...

Then i remember i had other things to do, and i'm already late to do them. Sometimes I get them done, some other i just leave them to the next day. Anyways, i have work to do at home, so i better be back. I walk home and try to relax with music. It works for a while, till i open the door: mi mum is mad. Something happened, doesn't matter what. Or my dad is home and serious, like always. Anyways, i have to lock my feelings away, be a rock, and stand the atmosphere with a smile.

My mum yells, my dad leaves, my sisters make fun of me just to play, which really doesn't matter, except that i'm already tense and it's hard to keep my pacience at bay, since my mum can't stop exclaming about how unfair life is for her and how we are such crapy daughters. Then I snap. I yell at my mum, tired of her stupidity and victimary attitude. She obviously doesn't accept that her daughter, someone that's suppose to respect her, yells at her. She yells right back and tells me to shut up, it's none of my bussiness, i have no right to say anything to her and have to learn my place. I look at her with hate and hurt and go to my room, trying to run away of everything. But my sister is in it. Right, my computer is dead and i'm using hers, and it's in my room. Is obvious that she's here. I lock myself up again and wait till she leaves. Sometimes i try to talk and laugh with her. Sometimes she's in a bad mood too and snaps at me. I try no to respond, she's just as tired as i'm of our mum...

It's 11 pm and she leaves. Finally some loneliness. I log in and check my mails. Thousands of things to do. Answer that, read those, write that thing, you're late with that work, remember tomorrows meeting, keep up with that discussion...

Then a chat pops up. A friend that wants to know how I am doing, and obviously haven't seen in ages, since i have no time at all. I tell him or her, and they support me... but it's just so impersonal!

Sometimes I start a chat. i just wanna talk, tell someone about my problems, or forget about them. but the people that I trust isn't conected, or doesn't have time, or really, like before, whatever I'm saying doesn't make the right impression and I just don't feel conforted by the talk or the other person doesn't get exactly what i'm trying to say...

then i just don't have the will to write everything, so i cut the story shot or lie. everything is fine, i'm just tired...

Sometimes it's work. Remember this, do that, tell me how it went today... and obviously i failed in some things. And the person gets mad at me. and we fight.

Behind the screen, i cry. Why has everything have to be so difficult? why does he/she have to make it more difficult that it already is? why can't she undertand that i'm tired and don't have the energy to be nice? i just want everyone to leave me alone. I wanna quit everything, i wanna leave, run, jump off a cliff, whatever to get away of all of this.

It's 1-2-3 in the morning and i just can't keep my eyes open. Obviously i did nothing of what i was suppose to, but i give up, i can do it tomorrow. Or I simply won't do it, i'll ask someone else, or deliver it late. It doesn't matter, i'm tired.

I go to bed, and it's cold. It takes me a while to fall sleep... and then the alarm rings. i turn it off... and fall asleep again... for an hour or two. I'm late again. shit.

and everything begins all over again.

Every now and then someone gives me a call, talks to me without a care in the world, exchanges some words just for the fun of it, invites me over for a couple ours to have fun, and brights my day for a while, puts a smile on my face and makes me laugh like before... but those moments only take so long.

I just can't keep this up. I'm colapsing magnificently. I'm angry, sad, stressed, frustrated, crying all-the-fucking-time! I have more fights that I care to count, I'm loosing my focus, I can't work, my body feels heavy and tired all the time, and It's even worse if I keep inyecting it food 24/7.

I just lost it. Really, really did this time. I can't take the stress anymore, the tension around me all day, all the time, everywhere i go.

I can't, just can't. the worse thing is, I don't have anywhere else to go.

Right now, I can only cry and hope that this will all be over soon.

hopefully sooner.

• .•. δαγιαλ .•. • ∫

... † Παŋα Иσ Zγσμσμ .•.•‡ •

I really don't understand why people wants to love me...

why do you?

i would be nice to hear it out loud...

• .•. δαγιαλ .•. • ∫

... † Παŋα Иσ Zγσμσμ .•.•‡ •