What has been of me

sometimes i wonder if the roads i've choosen for my life were and are the right ones. there was a time when i had no doubts about what i wanted in life, what i was going to do with it, the path i was taken. but that planning and confidence only got so far. there was a huge hole in between some stages of my planing that i never filled, and when the time came to live through them, i got totally lost. so much, than it got me to a moment when i knew nothing for certain, when everything was unsure, when even the person i had become was a stranger to me.

it's been hard to get over it. i made more plans that filled the holes, i took some choices to get me on those roads, and i commited myself to fulfill those dreams.

but i don't have the same blind security in my decision. i still have doubts. what if this is not what i'm mean to do with my life? what if the habilities i'm developing are not the gifts life gave me to develop in this life? what if i made the wrong choice... and ruined my life?

i'm still having doubts. but i can't let them stop me, now can I? if i'm good at something, is to trough myself without thinking twice. it might not be the most rational thing to do, but if i can't trust my reasoning, let's trust life, shall we?

i'm not scared now, though. i've some sort of calmness that makes me thing a little bit more clearly. the fog the clouded my mind is gone, thanks to my week vacation, the time i took to take my mind off everything. it worked, so now i'm kinda better. i'm not as hyper than before, but i'm not as insecure neither. and... more mature? calm, colected, but firm and determined.

i'm no way healed from everything that's happened. i'm in no way as complete and whole as before, when i entered college. but i'm not a wreck either. that's gotta count for something, right?

i only hope this time i make the right choices...


• .•. δαγιαλ .•. • ∫

... † Παŋα Иσ Zγσμσμ .•.•‡ •

Regrets or no regrets...

... that is the question

I don't really regret what've done. what've lived. the mistakes I've done, the choices i've made. and that hasn't changed in all this years.

yes, i've been weak. yes, sometimes i really kicked myself for what i'd done. i really messed up last year. and i'm still doing it, if my last actions are of any indication. but even if I feel bad, or broken, or sad, or hurt... i don't regret it. it's, after all, things that i'd wanted to do at the time. I let myself be driven by my passions, mi instincts, my feelings... why should i regret it? even if the results aren't what i wanted or expected, even if i'm hurt afterwards, even if i decide later that i'm never gonna do the same thing twice... why should i regret the action in itself?

i learned a new part of me thanks to it. i learned a new lesson in life thanks to it. I grew, matured... there's no reason to regret that.

my last "action" ('cause i refuse to call it a mistake) was kind of extreme for my feelings. it's not just that the action in itself was passioned, but the feelings that brought back were heartbreakingly strong, and the consequences even more so.

I really suffered this time. I was totally distressed. utterly paranoic. i literaly screamed. almost cried a couple of times. and some other feelings just as strong that i'm not sharing here... i almost throw myself out of the window in desperation.

but i can't get myself to regret what i did. what "we" did, if i'm a little bit more truthful. it's what i wanted, for so long now... and it was beautiful, while it lasted. i now it wasn't suppose to happen, i know it really will and has brought more pain that joy... but still... i can't, and won't, regret it.

i like to think that it's because i'm brave enought to accept and stand the consequences. i know for a fact that i will confront these ones. even if you're afraid of them, i'll stand and take the blows. 'cause... how can i regret the truth? my truth?...

how?...

it's your move now. and i'm gonna accept whichever you choose.

love u


• .•. δαγιαλ .•. • ∫

... † Παŋα Иσ Zγσμσμ .•.•‡ •