non-stop

Today wasn't a good day. I slept three hours only, failed to finish up my work, did poorly on a test, and failed again on making work a focus groups. All that, with an awful flu that has my chest and back hurting, my whole body weaken, a running nose, and an insufferable stomach-ache.

Nope, not a good day.

But then, I shouldn't be this pesimistic.

You see, I came home thinking about this very entry. How would I write down my frustrations, how nothing works for me, how life sucks... and then I found it melodramatic, and utterly stupid.

why should I give up on simple circunstances? It's true i have my frustrations. I really hate not been able to fit my very own standards in grades, proyects, goals... but, really, should i just give it all up just because it didn't work out at the first try?

Yesterday I wrote a review of my life. And by doing it, I realized how fast i've been living. My friend said it: "i've been through a lot of things" and it's absolutely true! things come and go fast enough for me to get to know them and then don't miss them when they leave. I hate routines, but that has something to do with my life been anything but static. I'm always changing. My environment is always changing. Change of school, change of friends. Change of style, change of country, change, change... a non-stop cycle. And when it seems it's about to have a pause... I start day-dreaming about other lifes, other things... and forget about living my reality. I get bored of it, and ask for it to change. Or just make it.

And It's always been like that. So, i'm not good at compromising. I can't just stay still! not even emotionally. Oh, I've found some stability n my life. I know myself pretty damn well, thank you very much. I know what makes it whole. I know what makes ME whole. But I also know that in it's self has a posibility to change, to adapt. I, unconsciously know that nothing will ever stay. And may be that's why I'm so nonchalant about everything. And may be that's why I don't keep trying to make things work, because I just wait for the next thing to come. And if it takes too long, go to find the next thing.

May be that's why I don't deeply care. 'cause I know, or think, that everything will be gone one day. And I'm already determined to lose it, so, why attach myself to it?

Now life has come to a halt. And I have already started day-dreaming. And that's never a good sign. I desperately need to learn how to live my life in a normal pace, and not just rushing into everything, The way it always has been. I need to learn how to settle down.

Or i might just throw everything away just for making things change.


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... † Παŋα Иσ Zγσμσμ .•.•‡ •

this can't be right...

i'm most certainly aware that my system isn't functioning the way it should. i can't work, can't think. can't keep my eyes open for more than 10 hours, and during that time, i'm still deadly tired. oh, and don't forget... i simply have no motivation at all.

i used to be the hyper on the group. the one who motivated everyone into doing anything and everything. the one that actually did everything and anything. i could be tired, by i still did whatever i had or wanted to do. and with a smile, no less. now, that spirit seems to be gone... and I simply don't know why.

oh, don't worry, i have my theories, this isn't just something that came out of the blue. it has a reason, or at least i think it has. may be it's disappointment. it surely has something to do with my non-stop mania, the reason why i only had 3 weeks of vacation in summer break... out of 3 months. i think... it also has to do with disillusionment. but i also believe that there is something about myself, just myself, that's affecting me. but i can't put my fingers on it! i can't figure it out... it frustrates me to no end.

i REALLY need to work this out... or i might seriously colapse one of this days...

for now, i've make my choices. and everyone else will have to accept them, either they like it or not. there is no objections to them. there is nothing anyone can say to make up my mind. i'm dead set. end of story.

so... endure me while i'm working everything out...

wish me luck


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... † Παŋα Иσ Zγσμσμ .•.•‡ •